I read a lot about food recalls. They concern me. Mostly because I found myself in the ER a year ago after getting it on with Sal Monella.

Recently there has been a big to-do about a rather substantial lot of salami and sausage products made in my fine little state that were tainted with salmonella. Come to find out, it was the pepper added to the meat products that actually carried bacteria. Now there are people all over the country sick from these products that were sold in places like Wal-mart and Sam’s Club.

Let’s just say that I don’t eat a heck of a lot of salami. Especially pre-packaged beef that contains bacteria laden pepper sold at Wal-Mart. Or any type of sausage that has strange ingredients in it.

Enough on the salami. Let’s get to the salmonella. I was doing a bit of research tonight on how this recall is really spreading a bit out of control and I came across an interesting piece of news. Yes, the recall is serious. The CDC says the outbreak has sickened at least 207 people in 42 states and the District of Columbia.

However…..

A man is suing the salami people for giving him what his lawyers call “explosive bouts of diarrhea” and he has the stool samples to prove it. Um….where does one keep such samples? AND how do you sue someone for giving you explosive diarrhea?

Frankly, I’d rather keep that shit to myself. When I ate some bacteria-laden eggplant at a local restaurant, I ended up in the ER and the details were not to be discussed. I can’t imagine calling a lawyer about it.

How is that court case going to go?

“Sir, you had some salami. Did you get that at Wal-Mart?”

“Yes”

“There’s your problem.”

“Well, I got a yellow smiley sticker with it, so I figured it was OK”

“Fine. Are you sure that the salami made you sick?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“I had explosive diarreha.”

“I’d like to present to the court Exhibit “A”……..”

See…that’s where this thing just goes too far. When you eat salami, dammit, you’d better be ready for some sort of gastric issue. It is just not right to sue over explosive diarreha when it’s not rocket science to realize that eating salami is like doing salmonella roulette:

“A traditional salame, with its typical marbled appearance, is made from one or more of the following meats: pork, chopped beef (particularly veal), venison, poultry (especially turkey), and horse (chester).”

CHESTER? Who is Chester? Not only is there salmonella in the salami, there’s a horse named Chester.

Read on:

“The raw meat mixture is usually allowed to ferment for a day and then the mixture is either stuffed into an edible natural or non-edible artificial casing and hung to cure. The casings are often treated with an edible mold (Penicillium) culture as well. The mold is desired as it imparts flavor and prevents spoilage during the curing process.”

….and the guy wants to sue for explosive diarrhea. Only in America.