I Am the Last American Coffee Virgin
It’s true. I’ve never had a cup of coffee. Ever. I’m 46 years old and I am the Last American Coffee Virgin.
I don’t even know how to MAKE coffee although I did try. I tried to impress someone I was dating so I went out and bought a really nice coffee maker. How was I supposed to know that you needed to use filters? I did not go to Juan Valdez University.
Speaking of Juan Valdez…he’s not real. I know this is a major disappointment for many of you, but since the 1960′s this coffee icon has just been an over paid actor. He’s probably Irish and they use stage make-up to create the rugged, mustachioed icon of the Colombian Coffee dude. Hey, maybe his donkey isn’t even a donkey. Maybe it’s just a plain old ass.
Coffee just doesn’t appeal to me. I ate coffee ice cream as a kid and that was really the closest I got to a big cup ‘o Joe. Something about a hot cup of anything that smells as bitter and overwhelming as coffee is just not what I want to wake up to. George Clooney would be a good start but I hear he’s spoken for. The dog will have to do ’til some guy comes to his senses (or loses all of them).
Remember (if you’re old enough) that commercial jingle, “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup“? I beg to differ. To me, the best part of waking up is the sheer fact that I still have a pulse.
Not drinking coffee is like having three heads. When people find out I’ve never had a cup, they ask me if I’ve ever thought about having myself checked out. Checked out? I don’t think it’s odd that running hot coffee bean juice through my veins doesn’t turn me on. Neither does smoking a cigarette. I’ve never had one of those either.
I think the fact that I have five children is enough to prove I’m not a total virgin. Just the coffee and cigarettes part. Ahhh….crap. I’ve never had a beer either.
I’m starting to sound like a real fun chick…no beer, no cigarettes, no coffee. I have, however, had sex at least five times in my life. Let’s not get carried away and use the word “memorable” in that last sentence.
I don’t think I have a “Coffee Chick” image. I just can’t imagine myself walking into Starbucks and asking for a “Grande Mocha Choca Latte with Skim Milk” when it’s really just a medium sized cup of over-priced coffee. I know, you get free Internet service with 40 of your closest friends/over-priced coffee drinkers, too. Big bonus.
By the way, does “Venti” really mean large and why do they call a small cup of coffee a “Tall”? I don’t want to think that hard when I order something.
You want a tall but it’s really small, so you ask for a ‘grande’ and then you find out it’s actually smaller than a large? NO WONDER PEOPLE DRINK COFFEE!! They are utterly exhausted after figuring out how to decode Starbucks Coffee Language. In my world, that’s called stress. Screw that.
So, I remain a coffee virgin. I’m pretty proud of my status but it’s not like I wear a coffee chastity belt. I just have no interest in having a cup or four like everyone else. I still have occasional bouts of insomnia as it is. Drinking coffee would just turn me into the Energizer Bunny on crack.
I’ll pass on that…because I’m a crack virgin, too.
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I've had coffee, but I'm not a coffee drinker. I use my coffee pot to brew tea. I love my tea. Just a thought…If you still have the coffee pot, don't let it go to waste and make some tea. Not a fan of beer either. I do love a good Manhattan though. It is my favorite of adult beverages.
What strikes me is that a lot of children can't wait to drink coffee. So I can understand you not drinking coffee as an adult, but when you were a little girl didn't you ask to have coffee on holidays when the adults were drinking theirs? Even though most adults will give a child a more-milk-than-coffee-coffee, still, I would think that you MIGHT have had that when you were young. Which I would think would dis-qualify you for Coffee virgin status.
ahhh no, still a virgin. My parents would get up and have a cup of coffee and that was it. If it was a holiday or they had company, they'd serve coffee with dessert. I always hated how it looked and it smelled way too strong. Never had the desire for that or dark booze or beer. Just another weird thing about me.
You are funny.
Loved this post, and I own a coffee shop. I'm no virgin to coffee, cigarettes, sex or porn. But I've never done crack either, so we have that in common. By the way, you are not missing anything. I mostly love the smell of coffee. I wish I could just smell it and not drink it. Because once you are addicted, morning is never the same again. And I don't mean that in a good way.
You're not alone…..49 year old coffee/tea/Starbucks virgin here. Several times a week I'm asked to "meet for coffee". When I tell them I don't drink coffee, I feel the tone change and now they want to meet me for the freak facytor more than business. I was once the recipient of a re-gifted coffee maker so I had something to practice on…it didn't take. I Although I've never drunk coffee or tea, I have been an active participant in just about every other vice known to man.
Venti actually means 20 in Italian – the venti size is a 20 oz. cup. It's actually the only size name Starbucks uses that makes sense. You won't find a "tall" (which is really small) size in espresso shops in Italy.
And I refuse to use the Starbucks lingo. I go in and purposely use small, medium and large to describe the size I want. The coffee slingers behind the counter translate it for me.
I am all for learning a new language but I want to order things here in the US in MY language…which is mostly Sarcastic American. I'm short and I don't call myself venti or grande. Although if I keep eating chocolate, I'm going to be super grande.
*L* It took me forever to get used to that Starbucks "Tall" for small thing!
I'm 47 and a coffee virgin too. Not that I'm religiously opposed to it, just prefer diet sodas. On the rest…..never smoked a cigarette, 3 kids – duh and grew up in Milwaukee – duh!
I'm rarely talked into things and I know coffee will be one thing that I'll never try. I get a huge headache standing in line buying a gift card in a coffee shop. Chocolate, however, is a major weakness.
love this blog post its awesome. i don't know how to brew coffee either and can't stand regular coffee but i do like cappachinos and lattes the flavored stuff
good to know I'm not alone.
You are not the only one. I'm a fifty-seven years-old married man who has never smoked, consumed alcohol, or drunk coffee. (And I'm not even LDS!)
But of course, you're not the only one. This is the Internet, where the first answer to "Am I the only one who…?" is "No." The second answer is "What kind of goat?"
Venti means 'giant'. A tall is a tall because the one smaller than it is a short, but they don't put those on the menu. You have to be able to read barista minds. So the sizes are short – tall – big – giant. Go figure. And yeah, it's overpriced, but coffee shops are cheaper than restaurants and still make me happy.
I was 40 and a pusher brought an espresso maker to a work function and pushed a cup on me. Zing. I had been a big time tea drinker and never experience a caffeine rush. Buy yourself some flavored creamer and sweetener and you'll love the jolt. I'm a half pot or more junkie now. Come on, you can try some ….