Every December, right after we say ‘Merry Christmas’ with a fake smile to the postman who pisses us off because he leaves the mailbox open on a rainy day… or when we’re done pretending we really love the Secret Santa gift we received, everyone starts talking about their New Year’s resolutions. Has anyone done a study on the percentage of resolutions that fail? I seriously wonder if people make resolutions for each new year because they feel pressured to do so. It’s as if people run out of things to say at the end of the year so they start asking,

“So…what are your resolutions for the coming year?”

I like to make things up like:

“I’m planning on having a year of abundance.” Of course, I have no idea what the abundance will be, but I keep seeing people over use this word:  ”Wishing you abundance!”  ”May you have a year full of abundance.”  Huh? Talk about generalizing and using trendy words ad nauseam. No one EVER says what they are wishing me to have an abundance of — is it money? sex? chocolate? sleep?

No idea … But I’m planning on adding it to my completely full of crap New Year’s resolution list that includes:

“I’m going to stop using PMS as a crutch for mood swings.” For about a day…maybe two.  I actually like having an excuse for being bitchy and crabby, which are really the same thing. No one is really going to VERIFY that I am actually having a PMS attack unless they keep an accurate calendar. It’s just not something anyone in their right mind would want to validate with a woman who is having some PMS-style bitchiness. Who would ask, “Are you actually in the midst of PMS or is this your normal personality?”  Might cause some really troublesome verbal attacks.

“I’m going to clean out my purse at least once a month” Perhaps then I won’t look like a disorganized receipt collector when I dig through my bag for my keys. It’s ever so embarrassing when a tampon comes flying out of the bag or perhaps a condom that was manufactured in 1990 and never opened. That’s it…I’m going to stop saving receipts and I’m also going to start littering instead of hanging on to my kids’ gum wrappers and juice box straw wrappers in my purse. I’m also throwing out that pipe-dream condom. Just as soon as I have time.

“I’m going to diet ’til I see my hip bones” Such total bullcrap. I don’t understand how to diet….I’m not that focused.  Of course, my metabolism isn’t what it used to be so maybe I should.  Ten years ago I could eat a package of Oreo cookies and zip up some dammed tiny jeans without holding my breath. The truth is, I don’t want to see my hip bones because I’m afraid I’ll fall and break my hip. That’s what happens to aging people, right? I’ve already had enough knee surgery to last me a lifetime….the hip is going to remain full padded.

“I’m going to become an SEO Master” That’s right. I want all of my writing to come up as dry, boring and just like everyone else’s. I also want to make sure that when people read what I write it’s so stuffed with keywords that they don’t even understand what they are reading other than one key phrase stated twenty different ways. Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. I have always wanted to be a master at something other than sarcasm.

I’m going to buy a pair of Reebok Easy Tone sneakers and ‘sneaker myself sexy’ I saw the commercial. If I wear these sneakers I’m going to have an extraordinary tush. According to the ad, “78% of men are speechless. 81% of women jealous”  when someone gets a great tush using Reebock Easy Tone sneakers. No exercise necessary? Dear Reebok: send me a pair. I promise to do you proud. I’ll even wear them to sleep if I can sneaker my self sexy.

I’m exhausted trying to think of stuff I’m not going to do, so I am going to speak my mind and say, “Resolutions? Sure I could improve in many areas but as far as making resolutions, I’m not making any. I sort of dig the funky chick that I am and I’m not going to change a thing.”  I’m sticking with that….’til I change my mind.