Fruitcake Five Ways
The holiday season is here and that means I’ll be seeing fruitcake in the stores again. It might be last year’s fruitcake — who really knows — because this so-called “cake” is eternal. I seriously think it would have outlived the dinosaurs if it were around in pre-historic times. Come to think of it, maybe it was.
In honor of that chunk of hard cake with candied, disgusting fruit I have decided to come up with a handy list for you to use if you receive one of these brick cakes as a gift this year. Unless you really like fruitcake, which is possible but…are you just saying you like it because you feel badly for the person who bought it for you? Trust me, they are re-gifting it. NO ONE seriously spends money on fruitcake unless they need a good gag gift for the office. Or no one I know…..
Five Ways with Fruitcake (otherwise known as Fruitcake Five Ways, which sounds pretty enticing, doesn’t it?)
1. Driveway Pavers: You know what those are, right? Those fancy flat paver stones that rich people use for their driveways. I have asphalt on my driveway, but if I get enough fruitcakes as gifts this year, I’m going to dig up my driveway and replace it with fruitcake pavers. I’m pretty sure you can run this crap over and it will still be in good shape. Just a thought.
2. Gift for the Person Who Has Everything: I’m so sick of hearing this: “What do I get for him? He’s the kind of person who has everything.” I’m waiting for the day that I have “everything”…my list of things I need is so long no one will ever be stumped for what to get me. But for that guy who is so fortunate, get him a dammed fruitcake. Bet “he” doesn’t have one of those.
3. Level: If you live in a house built in 1938 like I do, the wood floors are far from level. (Either that or I sucked the rum out of the fruit cake and everything looks a little off.) If your furniture isn’t level due to a lopsided house, slice a piece of that brick fruitcake and slip it under the furniture. Instant level. Don’t worry…the bugs won’t go near it. Even ants don’t like fruitcake.
4. Giant Legos: If you are short on cash this holiday season and the kids love to built things, collect all of your friends’ unwanted fruitcake. Kids will be amused for hours stacking fruitcakes and making them into giant buildings. If your children are really young, just wrap the fruitcake in foil first. You don’t want them licking their fingers and cheating you out of the rum.
5. Foul Weather Aid: When it starts snowing, which it already has, throw about a dozen fruitcakes in your trunk. You won’t need special snow tires because the weight in your trunk will keep your car weighed down when you’re driving on the slick roads. If you do have road trouble while you’re out, keep matches with you. You can throw a fruitcake on the side of the road and light it up like a flare.
If you do like fruitcake and actually eat it, I give you a lot of credit for being trusting and adventurous….and perhaps you can tell me one thing: Why?
Fruit Cakes are quite addictive and my mom always bake them every month.,.”
You could always use it in Manitou Springs, Colorado's Great Fruitcake Toss – launch that thing!!
Eating fruit cake is a dental litmus test. If your teeth are still intact after the yearly indulgence you are good to go for one more year. If not , consult your local dentist. You will be starting your dentist's fiscal year with a resounding bang into the black. Come to think of it I think a dentist invented the stuff.
I am one of the people that enjoy fruitcake, sort of. I always enjoyed the fruitcake my mother made and have only come close to that cake once since she passed away. Mom was able to make her cake in 2004 and gave me one and passed away 6 days before Christmas. I have mom's recipe and I am going to try and follow it and see what happens. However the ones you buy in the store do not taste the same and for some reason I can't stand them.
Cheryl I enjoyed reading this post, it left me laughing because I think I re-gifted a store bought cake one year.
Once again your creativity leads me to howling in the office. Might I suggest a couple of other uses. A fruitcake makes a lovely holiday door stop. In a clear wrap with ribbon and a bow it can add to any home's festive decor. It could also be used as a lethal weapon. When thrown, it's sure to knock out any intruder. Happy Holidays Cheryl.
Hi Cheryl! Your blog is hysterical and always a joy to read. When I was a kid, my mother would buy a fruitcake from the A & P or Shop-Rite and slice it up for us kids to "enjoy" on Christmas for dessert. Our dog got the lion's share, may she rest in peace.
I haven't seen a fruitcake pass through my door in years. If my brother from Pennsylvania brings one with him this year (his wife likes to experiment in the kitchen) I might actually have at it and take a slice. Why not? Once every 30 years can't hurt, can it?
Merry Christmas!
I tend to think fruitcake is kind of pretty. That being said, my bedspread is pretty too, but I don't eat it.
#5 is my fave….using it as a flare…ROFL.
Now you’ve done it. The theory is that there is really only one Fruitcake in the whole world and it’s just passed on from one person to the next. Personally, I LOVE a good fruitcake, but then again, I also like sauerkraut and Polish sausage and even kimchi. So take what I say with a grain of salt…eh? Seriously…a well-made Fruitcake is a wonder to behold and not even half bad with coffee. Blessings!
As usual a very entertaining blog. Fruit cake is not one of my favorites, but I have, in the past, been guilty of making it and pawning it off on others. Anyway, great ideas for the real uses of fruit cake.
[...] Fruitcake Five Ways [...]
Unfortunately, store-bought fruitcake contains no alcohol, which means it has absolutely no redeeming qualities. The best thing you can do with this "gift" is to regift, reuse, or recycle it. Thanks for providing such a helpful suggestions! Oh, and I do agree with you, I doubt anyone really eats fruitcake, no matter what they say.
Hey,
I've been reading for a while but this is my first time commenting – so first off let me say your blog is hilarious – I love it!
Anyway, I confess I actually do like fruitcake; but the key is to make it yourself ~from scratch~ if you want it to be edible. The difference between a real home-made fruitcake and the gelatinous rocks people buy as gifts is basically like the difference between real home-made cheesecake and the Jello no-bake variety. My mom makes a great one that has less fruit than most, and is full of pecans/walnuts/brazil nuts.
Brandy
My dad loves fruit cake, but then he's a ornery man. I have to buy him a fruit cake every year and he actually hides it so that no one else will snatch a bite. As if. My mother would make some home made fruit cake and by golly that was a gift of rum cake with gummy orange candy that was worth hiding. The cake itself was delicious. The gummy orange candy would super glue your mouth shut if you chewed it.
What a hoot! I'm wondering why this, er, Christmas staple has such staying power. I've really never know anyone to actually eat the things. Yet, they never disappear. I must confess, I've never had a taste. They just *look* funny. Is that really fruit inside? Maybe, this year, I'll see if I can find a "fresh" one to see what they're like. Ho! Ho! Ho!