Fresh Balls Anyone?
It’s been yet another stellar Monday. I had to stand within 5 feet of my ex of 9 years and the only thought that crossed my mind was “what was I thinking?” Oh, wait, great children came from that spineless, child support dodging doucher who can’t look anyone in the eye. More than likely because he’s ordered to help support the children he helped create and over the nine years has been in court for contempt so many times that….well, never mind. I’m here to talk about fresh balls, not stinky ones.
Sooooooooo….today on Google there’s an interesting trend. Fresh Balls. That’s right. People are searching for fresh balls. I discussed this with my late-night writing pal, Donna and she was thinking fresh mozzarella balls. Of course. She writes about food. All I could think about were the people who were actually SEARCHING for fresh balls on line until I realized…..I am one of them.
Well, I was forced to. I like to read the trends in case there’s something interesting to write about. Go figure. Balls. Fresh ones. Is there such a thing?
You betcha. There’s a new product on the market and it’s called FRESH BALLS. Now, before you get really excited and think “Stocking Stuffers!” this product is not available in stores.
Who would buy this in the store anyway? You’d be a walking advertisement for sweaty balls. Seriously, imagine…I see a hot guy in line at CVS and think, “I should probably lose a few pounds so I can find me a charming guy like that.” Then I look in his cart. The unassuming tube with the big “B” on it that says: “So Fresh, So Dry” and instantly Mr. Hottie becomes Mr. Sweaty Balls. Yuck.
I read a bit more about this intriguing product and realized why I am thinking about staying single forever. Ten out of ten men reportedly get sweaty balls. Are you serious? NOT ONE in the supposed “study” had dry balls? Not that it really matters. It’s not like they are gorgeous or anything. They’re balls for crying out loud. But to know that all men in this ball study had sweaty nuts is just enough to force me into becoming a Nun.
Then I realized I’m divorced, have 5 kids and I’m Protestant. No go on donning a habit.
In case you’re wondering what the big deal is about this product that propelled it to one of the top Google trends today, here’s some info straight from the Fresh Balls site:
Finally, the solution to a problem men have suffered with for generations. All men sweat in their groin area, and until now, there has not been a product specifically to relieve the wetness and the uncomfortable feeling of sweaty balls. Fresh Balls is an easy to apply cream, so it won’t clump on your skin or leave a powdery residue on your pants.
Generations? My great-great grandfather had sweaty balls? This is disturbing news. How the hell am I going to look at a man again without thinking, “dry…or sweaty?” I use to look at men and think, “Good kisser or sloppy dawg?” My life has reached a low point.
Fresh Balls is not available in stores, only through this website. It comes in a small gray tube, perfect for at home, or on-the-go.
On the go? Is that like the guy I saw shaving in his car on the go? He’s also applying his sweaty balls stuff in transit? And what does it mean when it says, “Perfect for at home”? Great for a romantic night in? Eek.
When you place your order, you can choose how many tubes of Ball Dry…I mean Fresh Balls…you want to purchase. Buy more, save more. If you order 24 tubes, you save $2 a tube off the ballsy price of $14.99.
If I saw ANY man with a case of 24 tubes of Fresh Balls in his home, I’d be making a hasty exit. How often do all these men actually need to apply this stuff? I’m probably not right in asking that question.
I have to mention some of the testimonials on the Fresh Balls site. They are about as humorous as the product itself. In fact, I really had to do a bit of research to make sure this wasn’t a joke. It’s not. It’s a real company with a real useful scary product.
“Fresh Balls is amazing. The first time I used it was right before a long car trip on leather seats. I was dry the whole way!” -David, Las Vegas
David…did you drive naked on those leather seats?
“I like the fact it’s aluminum free. Plus it has give my husband more confidence around me.”
(First of all, this site needs a proof-reader. I could use the work. Hire me. ”It has give me…” Sounds like some dumb balls work there….)
OK, Jessica, are you using Fresh Balls or is it your husband? I’m confused. Your husband has more confidence around you because you don’t have sweaty balls or…..nevermind. It’s all really, really disturbing.
“I thought it was a joke until I tried it. Now it’s like brushing my teeth or shaving.” – Jimmy, Sacramento
HOW in the name of anything is putting stuff on your balls like brushing your teeth? I’m a woman, how would I know? However, I love brushing my teeth and it’s a good feeling to have clean teeth. Unless you’re diddling around down there while you apply your Fresh Balls to your not so fresh balls, then I can’t see what the likeness is, Jimmy.
Just in case you have questions about this product, there’s a picture of a pair of coconuts on the main page. Click on the link to email success@freshballs.com. No comment.
I don’t usually put video in my blog posts but this is a must see…….
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When you sweat your whole body sweats. It's particularly less comfortable for men when their balls sweat. This does the same thing as deodorant. Get over it, god damn.
How about a shower and a fresh pair of skivvies? For f#@k's sake…
my balls are sweaty right now!
how do you order this item.
I thought of this while being downrange in the sh*thole of the world… BDU's will make anyone's balls sweat. I'm buying some.
Ah the power of The Howard Stern Show. Baba-Booey anyone?
OK, So I'm searching the net for interesting blogs and I come across yours. I see the sweaty ball post and feel it is necessary to make a few things clear.
1. Not all men suffer from sweaty balls.
2. Balls WILL sweat during exercise.
3. If they are not kept at a constant temperature our ability to make dedicated swimmers intent on a kamikaze run for your ovum diminishes.
4. Why are men afraid to approach their wives / lovers if they have sweaty balls, TAKE A SHOWER. It will take only slightly more time than greasing up your boys with whatever is in this stuff, wiping away the excess and praying to God that your partner doesn't walk in and think you have erectile dysfunction.
5. I once saw a guy in a restroom open his pants and direct the hand blower towards his crotch. I pretended not to notice because eye contact is FORBIDDEN in male restrooms.
Being one of those guys who washes his hands before and after he goes to the bathroom (there's no telling what's on your hands after a day in the park or on the hands of others that you have shaken) and never having had any complaints, I am loath to apply anything to the allegedly afflicted area. The possible side effects are too stressful to ponder. Daily Soaping is taking a risk, but since you can thoroughly rinse immediately, most likely not too harmful, but, then again, with the reduced birthrate and all, even that is suspect. In her wise and quiet way, mother nature usually applies moisture where it's needed.
I am resisting with all of my might the urge to comment about fresh balls….but I will say that you are not the only person to look at their ex to ask themselves "what was I thinking?"
Ok I do find this funny, new to me, but nothing surprises me anymore. On another note what about vagina itch products? Seen the TV Commercials? It was very good writing and very entertaining.
All I could think of while reading this is that old SNL sketch with Alec Baldwin and the radio ladies talking about "Schweaty Balls". It's a classic!
I just love reading your posts. From your family life to your personal observations you start my day with a smile or a guffaw. I'm glad you've been speaking your mind all these years.
I'm still not sure this isn't a gag. But…if it's THAT much of a problem, just use anti-perspirant.
Great, now that's a solution put some more harsh chemicals on your privates to kill you and your sweeting… sure your significant other would just love to have some of that …;) …how about a shower, cotton underwear and good ole' baby powder still LMAO
LOL…it was so funny…I love the music in the background of the video. I really, really thought it was fake. Hilarious.
Sometimes I find stuff in the trends on Google, sometimes just surfing around but most come from readers who say, "Hey, I know you will write this".
Girl, this was the best. I'm going to use this as a stocking stuffer this year! The video is funny. How do you find this stuff?
OHMIGOD, I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD and CRYING simultaneously – this is one of the most hilarious things I have ever heard about…and your post was the proverbial – how shall I say it – icing on the "balls."
I think the best use of this product would be to send it to an EX – and NOT in a brown paper wrapping.
Now, i am ROTFL…and I better go before I PMSL….
Thank you….you rock!
YOU ROCK…
truly one of the funnier products I've come across…glad it made you laugh.
Wow! I have to buy 24 tubes to get a discount!! No Buy 1, Get 1 half price or anything like that? Man, what a rip. I guess they know they have us by the short and curlies…which are in the same vicinity as "the guys". Too cute.
All I can say is OMG, and LOL!
Beeeeee-U-teeee-ful!!!!!!! LOL!
Oh please… I'm getting ahold of this ASAP! If it's real it's gonna be great!
I am wondering how many men will get this in their stocking this year?
No fair replacing contents of the tube and sending to your ex!
Freaking HILARIOUS!
OMG… this is too funny. My husband was just talking about this the other day… he saw and ad in a magazine for this! Hysterical!!!
ROFLing too hard to comment…
Jenn…this is a very sensitive issue for men. Please stop laughing…….lolllll
What a find Cheryl! So random, so hilarious! Filed under Ramblings? You betcha. How could you NOT comment on this. I'm kind of… almost… speechless…
This is so funny! I watched the video and everything! I cen't believe this is real!
I can't either. I really thought it was a stunt. Crazy!