Ready to Check Out?

Walmart never ceases to amaze me. Not only can you shop at Walmart for a bag of Fritos (love Fritos) or a garden hose, you can also pick up a shotgun, duct tape, a shovel and a coffin. One stop shopping for just about anyone.

That’s right. Walmart sells coffins. You have to order them online and I hope it stays that way. I really don’t want to make a cat food run and walk by the Walmart Pearly Gates department. Something really un-nerving about that.

I took a look at the coffins on the Walmart site. Just browsing. I’m more of a pine-box or urn girl myself. Then I saw that Walmart sells urns as well, but I don’t think I want to have mine ready and waiting. My budget is tight as it is …plus I can’t decide on what style I like best.

Apparently Costco has been selling coffins for awhile. Is Target next? Seriously, will they have the “Bullseye” logo on the coffin if you buy it at Target? Come to think of it, I wonder if each Walmart coffin comes with one of those creepy smiley stickers on it?

Listed under the rather spooky “funeral” tab on the Walmart.com website, there are a wide variety of caskets to choose as a final resting place. They range in price from $895 for a Lady de Guadalupe Steel Casket to $3199 for the Sienna Bronze Casket.

“The interior bedding, so soft to the touch, is sewn and gathered by hand in a sky-blue chalet crepe adorned by an embroidered figure of the Lady de Guadalupe. High-polished hardware and carry bars for easy handling complete this religious-themed edition.”

I don’t mean to talk postmortem here, but if I’m dead, will I care if the bedding is “so soft to the touch”? I would, however, want to have highly polished hardware and carry bars for easy handling. No dropping the casket would be nice.

Interestingly enough, Walmart lets you find out your estimated arrival date. Well, the arrival date of the casket. Not your arrival date in heaven…or hell….which I’ve been told to go several times by some really silly people.

Walmart offers an estimated delivery date. Sounds like a pregnancy. I’d think death might be a bit more immediate and the word “estimated” doesn’t work well here. What happens if delivery is late? Who’s responsible for the body?  If I’m croaking, I want to know when my Walmart casket is getting here. I searched a little further and found a disclaimer about delivery:

“Star Legacy Funeral Network, Inc., Walmart.com are not liable and shall be held harmless for any shipment delays due to inclement weather, acts of god, acts of war, governmental action, work stoppages, cargo refusal and/or carrier delays.”

So, if the people at Walmart or the casket manufacturer go on strike after I order my casket, they aren’t responsible if I’m lying cold while shipment is delayed? Super.

Shipping is only around $99. Seems like a bargain for such a large purchase. Fedex will deliver your casket right to your doorstep but it doesn’t state whether it will be carried inside your home. You can opt to have it shipped directly to the funeral home as well but I think you’d better know when you’re going to use it. I don’t think most funeral homes are like those UHaul Storage Centers. They have to keep things moving.

What about the warranty? “Supplier Warranty: Manufacturing defects only.”

Well, it’s not like the person who gets in the coffin is going to know if the dammed thing breaks down or not. What’s considered a defect? Who is going to know? So, after 90 days if the coffin isn’t holding up underground, it can be returned? Maybe I need to get customer service on the phone to answer these questions. I assume they’ll be thrilled to hear from me.

What about returns? That’s a no-go. “Due to FTC regulations, Walmart.com can only accept a return of a casket due to freight or cosmetic damage from shipping. Walmart stores cannot accept the return of any casket.”

What happens if I wake from the dead? Aside from pissing a few people off, what am I going to do with the coffin? I can’t return it? I thought Walmart had a liberal return policy. Although, I can’t imagine putting a coffin in my car and then trying to wheel it into the store to return it.

Payment plans are available. No kidding? Walmart doesn’t mention layaway but they do offer financing on your credit card or using the “Bill me Later” option. I like that Bill Me Later option…finally, a debt they can’t come after me for. I’ll be in that soft to the touch Guadaloupe casket six feet under. Then again, bill collectors are ruthless….

Gift Registry? I’ve heard of baby and wedding registries, but registering for a casket? Is this like picking a date with the devil? Who the hell registers themselves for a casket? “Dear Friends, I’m registered on the Walmart Death Gift Registry. Please use my list as a guide when shopping.”

Shopping for a casket online is creepy enough. Putting it on your gift registry list is just plain uncalled for.

Rate and Review. “Be the first to rate and review this product!”   What’s with the flipping exclamation mark? Who is supposed to write this and WHAT do they write?

“Really loved my Guadaloupe Casket when it arrived. Just in time! Speedy shipping. Must tell you, I love the soft pillow like feel of the bedding.”

Just out of pure curiosity, I clicked on the “add to cart” button to see how the process goes. I’m not sure if I just determined my fate by pretending to order, but I’m trying to write a complete post here and I need to go through the motions. I am seriously not ready to meet my maker yet, although this flu thing has had me saying, “I can’t take this any more.” I take that back. Being sick isn’t so bad.

So, I pretended to order my steel casket and up popped a really disturbing message:

“Ready to check out?”

NO. Not yet! I was fooling around. I really don’t want to check out. It’s Halloween and I was just being morbid and I have nothing better to do. I’m reaching here but NO…I am NOT ready to check out.

What happens when you do push that “READY TO CHECK OUT” button?

I am not falling for that one.