Swine Flu iPhone app? How about these…

I recently read about a new Swine Flu iPhone app that allows users to track and report outbreaks of swine flu. I wonder if it works like one of those stud finders I bought at Home Depot awhile back?  Seriously, I thought it would alert me when a great man passed by until someone told me it just finds large pieces of wood in my wall. Somehow that sounds exactly what I’m looking for.

Let me not digress and start jabbering about the lack of potential mates in this crappy little state. This post is about iPhone apps and I’m going to stick with that if it kills me.

Funny thing is, I don’t use an iPhone. I did try one for about two days, brought it back and resumed using my Blackberry, which has never failed me in the five years I’ve been a crackberry addict.

However, every time I read about iPhone apps (like the “Passion” app which supposedly rates your sexual ability), I think of a few apps that I could create and would gladly use. Maybe they could make them for the Blackberry?

Obnoxious Direct Connect App: This app detects anyone within your range of hearing that is using the direct connect feature on their phone. These obnoxious twits are found in grocery stores, parks and other public places sharing their family arguments, sex lives and other information that no one wants to hear.

Hairy Back App: For all the single gals who go on a first date and aren’t quite sure if Mr. Wonderful has excessive back hair, this app will alert you immediately so you can decide if date #2 will include a trip to the waxing salon or if it just won’t happen at all.

Someone Wants Your Job App: Keep your iPhone on your desk at work with this app activated. Every time the chick in the next cubicle walks into the bosses office, her badmouthing will be immediately audible on your iPhone. She wants your job. Get this app and you’ll soon be outwitting her…or deleting files from her computer that she really, really needs.

Boring Meeting App: Does your company tend to have meetings about meetings? Find it hard to stay awake or even pay attention to the bullshit that is being tossed around the room? The Boring Meeting app will help you stay in tune with what’s going on just in case someone asks you to recap. You’ll be instantly alerted if your eyes start closing during the meeting and all of the useless “talking points” will appear on your iPhone screen.

Crappy Food App: It costs a fortune to go out to eat these days and there is nothing worse than handing over your wallet after a shitty meal. The Crappy Food app is loaded with information about restaurants in your area such as glaring health code violations, shrinking portions and which waiter will refrain from spitting in your food prior to serving.

Long Winded Jackass App: If you find yourself on the phone with someone who doesn’t understand  “Can I get back to you in a bit, I’m busy?”, then it’s time for the Long Winded Jackass app. For those who are in the presence, or on the phone with, someone who just can’t get enough of themselves, this app will make your iPhone ring with an important incoming call from your child, spouse or whoever you want to do the interrupting. If an important call doesn’t stop the jabbering, there is always the “end call” button.

Since have no intention of getting an iPhone, I do think my “end call” button on my phone is my button of choice. In fact, if you’re looking for a neat trick that you can use if you don’t have an iPhone and find yourself talking to a long winded jackass try this:

Respond by starting your own long-winded conversation and hang up in the middle of your own sentence. Certainly no one would hang up on themselves, right? This works great and I’ve tried it. Many times. Of course, I’ve always explained it to be lousy service.

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