Craigslist jobs: Solving the unemployment crisis one job at a time

I have no idea why the news is focusing on unemployment and how scarce jobs are. Seems to me they haven’t looked on Craigslist. I just took a look to see what all the squawking is about and there seems to be a lot of really, really good jobs posted. Minimal qualifications, too!

Here are a few of the stellar positions that I located on Craigslist (yes, I copied them verbatim):

PT TELEMARKETERS – Easy Job calling nice people! IDEAL CANDIDATES: Outgoing and easy to talk to. Like to talk on the phone. Experience a plus, but NOT required. We will train you. $8.00 to start with Bonuses

Can you imagine how easy it would be to call people and always get a nice person at the other end of the line? I don’t really like to talk on the phone but I might like talking more if I found some nice people to chat with. I’m thinking the bonuses must be really big. Not sure if it’s $8.00 just to “start” talking or per hour.

MASTER PLUMBER: lookin for a master plumber 5 years experience self motavated

It doesn’t say you need a license so I think this might be an easy job to land. I’ve used a plunger several times over the years when my kids put things like half-eaten apples (don’t ask), a gigantic cat poop from the litter pan or a pony tail holder down the toilet. I’ve used Draino, too. Lots of it. SO, if you’ve done any of this and need a job, this one looks like you could get hired quite easily. If your grammar and spelling skills are sharp, you could also help the person learn how to spell and use punctuation. Either that or “Lookin” is a word I need to add to my vocabulary.

TYPING IS IN YOUR FUTURE: In Rhode Island Make $250 to $1,000 Per Day Typing for only 30 Minutes per Day!!!!Be Your Own Boss!

I am fairly sure my 13 year old could get this job. Have you ever seen a teenager text message? Never mind my son, I use Twitter. Constantly. That means I type for more than 30 minutes a day. I’m going to be RICH!! There are going to be a lot of stress-free people out there if they get this job! Imagine telling your friends that your work schedule is from 8:30am to 9:00am ? Can you say “job envy”??

LOOKING FOR LIQUOR PROMOTIONAL GIRLS: 21+, attractive, do not have to say too much, just smile. Shifts are normally 2-3 hours long in bar bars/clubs on weekends at night. Send your resume and a picture.

Two or three hours in a bar just smiling….why are so many people unemployed?? The only thing I am curious about is whether a resume is really necessary. I’m just guessing that a PhD in Biophysics doesn’t really matter if you are applying for a job where you just have to smile and not say much. I’m not sure how well I’d do at this. I smile a lot but it’s hard to shut me up.

PART TIME WINDOW CLEANER: Window cleaner part time. Must have car and speak English. On call when windows get dirty. Fear of heights OK. All work done from the ground or ladder no dangling off tall buildings .

OK, leave your Spiderman suit at home….no dangling off tall buildings. Make sure you keep your phone on though—you’ll be on call when someone spots a dirty window. Sounds like a round the clock job to me. My question is: Who wrote this ad? I’ve never seen people dangling from windows when they clean them. Then again, I don’t live in a very big city.

EASTER BUNNY: To Play The EASTER BUNNY at a mall. DAYTIME, EVENING, WEEKENDS. Need reliable, nice person. Must wear costume and be on time. GOOD PAY, FUN JOB.

I think it’s important to find a bunny who gets to work on time. As far as the “must wear costume” requirement, how the hell else is someone going to do this job? I don’t know how much of a fun job this would be inside a hot bunny costume, unless it’s the costume they wear at Hef’s mansion. Since this is at a mall, the applicant may want to make sure they have no phobias about babies who spit up, screaming children and you must have no egg allergies.

DAYCARE ASSISTANT: We are now hiring for a Team Member position at our daycare center. Our children range in age from 6 months to 4 years old. Qualifications are must be available four weekdays and must like kids enough to deal with them 6 hours each day.

Tough qualifications. You must “like kids enough” to deal with them? So, if you are able to tolerate children but not for more than 6 hours a day, by all means apply. What’s with the “Team Member” title? Is this Walmart or something? Do you get to give out smiley stickers to the kids when you’re “dealing” with them?

MASSAGE PARLOR RECEPTIONIST: Must be friendly and positive. Computer skills are needed, as well as knowledge of appliances such as fax, copy machine and shredder.  No experience necessary in an office setting. We will be a friendly service that customers will enjoy and return to. We will train you. We are looking for someone to promote our compassion and friendly service to all who enter our Parlor.

First of all, a “parlor”?? Same as bordello, right? I thought so. Interesting. (well, it IS legal in Rhode Island to have paid mambo time…as long as it’s indoors) First of all, I didn’t know that office machines were appliances. I need to get a copy machine in my kitchen. Then I could just duplicate meals and not have to cook every night.

I digress. I like that you don’t have to have experience in an “office setting”. Well, that’s mostly because this is a hanky panky parlor. Tip off? The shredder. Sounds like a place politicians will be going to, so the shredder is a must-have “appliance”. This job does have a lot of requirements, though.  Not only do I have to be friendly, positive and have the ability to use appliances, I have to also promote compassion and friendly service? How the hell do I do that? I guess that’s part of the training.

Let me know if didn’t see something you’re interested in here. I am positive I can find even more jobs that even a donkey could qualify for.

Now…just for fun…

This is the pilot episode of the new comedy web series HARD TIMES, created by New York actor/writers Michael Ferrell and Shawn Patrick Murphy. Watch for them every Monday on YouTube.

Read more of my opinionated self:  Providence Social Media Examiner

image: thedailyanchor.com