Trojans: Ready for Take-Off

I’m not sure why, but I get emails or tweets almost every day telling me about something oddball that I should write about. It’s as if I am Mikey from the old Life cereal commercial. “Hey, tell Blondie about it…she’ll write it up.” You do remember the Life commercial, right? If you don’t, you’re too young to be reading my blog. Especially this post.

Yesterday I received a tweet from a spectacular woman who has all that grace and poise I wish I had. Who would have thunk it that she’d tell me about a Trojan condom ad that cracked her up? She even sent me the screenshots from the ad. Three of them. Three? Yes. It was about a condom in action. Well, not that kind of action. The ad was one of those fancy motion ads and it showed the condom in rocket position…lift off…and then TO THE MOON. Or wherever it went. That’s really none of my business.
I was curious. Who the hell wants a condom that takes off? Isn’t the whole point to keep it ON? Not that I know anything about that because I’ve got a pile of the kind that just stay in my drawer. For months. Soon to be going on….well, not years yet, but I’m starting to think those condoms in the nightstand are going to disintegrate if they get any older.

OK, back to the rocket condom. Trojan has out done itself this time. Long gone are the days when you could sheepishly sneak into the local pharmacy and buy a pack of condoms. Now you have to make choices. So many choices that it could you could potentially lose your sex drive trying to figure out what type to buy.

I wanted to see what the fuss was about and why the rocket condom even existed. I headed over to the Trojan site and could not believe the selection. It’s like picking out the perfect wine. Condoms are lined up on a big grid and you select from about thirty different varieties. To me, this is like ordering off of a menu that has too many things on it. What happened to simply buying a condom and having sex? Now you have to make corporate decisions before you do the horizontal mambo.

I couldn’t figure out which condom was the rocket condom. After some research, I realized it was the one that Trojan was offering up as a free sample. You bet I sent away for one. Kids might run out of water balloons this summer. I also thought that on the off chance that I get…..well, you know…the off chance that I get invited to participate in the water balloon fight…I might need one. That’s what I was trying to write.

The rocket condom is actually called The Ecstacy. Read up on it on the Trojan site because it’s a little too hot and heavy for this cupcakes and fairytales blog.

The Ecstacy joins a fine line-up of other Trojan brand condoms. Let’s go over the choices, if you don’t mind.

The Magnum: Personally, this is my favorite. I enjoy watching men buy these along with the regular sized condoms. This way they have the “Magnum” in their pocket and the real deal in their pants. Hey, I understand. I used to stuff my bra in high school.

Ultra Thin: This is for the guy who isn’t quite sure he’s ready to start a family so he blames it on the thin condom if he’s shopping for a Diaper Genie a few months later.

Climax Control: I’m pretty sure I dated him several years ago. There’s a possibility other women have dated him, too. “Mr. I Can Go All Night Long”. Just a super-duper time when you are with someone who either takes too much Viagra or wears a Climax Control condom. Five hours later you’re wishing you could knit and have sex at the same time.

Her Pleasure Thin: Finally. A condom that’s not all about him.

Magnum Twister: This must be new. I only know Twister to be a game that you play. You know, the one where you put your hand in one place and your foot in another. Then someone gets all twisted up next to you and more people join in the fun. Wait. That’s an orgy. That game needs to be pulled off the shelves at Toys R Us.

Vibrating Ring Multi-Speed: That’s right. It’s a condom. I’m thinking it must come with batteries. I have enough trouble figuring out how the damned condom goes on, never mind having to put the batteries in it. Um…where do they go, anyway? Multi-speed? I’m a little confused here. Is there a remote that comes with this? What happens if you can’t slow it down? I’m full of questions. Not like I’m going to find out anytime soon…but hey, my motto is ‘never stop learning’.

There are so many more to list and it’s getting late. I really want to work for Trojan and name the next few condoms. I could have endless fun with that.

I’m so pleased that I was made aware of the rocket condom. It’s just more reason for me to post senseless drivel on my blog. Then again, maybe I inspired someone to go out and do a little shopping.

If so, my day is complete.  Happy Hump Day.

Tags: Social Media