The Lap Dance
I have been out of the dating scene for awhile. By choice. However, I often think about getting back out there just so I have more material to write about. I’m a flake magnet. I seem to attract men who are worthy of stories. One day, I will find someone I won’t want to write about. That means he’s a keeper.
I have a collection of stories about the carnival of dates I’ve been on over the past several years.
When I look back, I think the only reason I seemed to meet oddballs through Internet dating was because it was always good for a story or conversation somewhere down the road. God forbid I meet a normal man — that would not be entertaining for anyone. It would be GREAT for me, though.
The lap dance guy. It has been years so I can’t even remember his name. That’s how memorable he was. Well, memorable enough to share this story anyway.
We talked on the phone once and he seemed pleasant enough. His picture looked “OK” but I was trying to lose my shallowness. Little did I know what I was in for. We decided to meet at the bar of a restaurant beacuase I told him that I don’t like “dinner dates” on the first meeting. He agreed. So far so good.
I showed up and looked for him at the crowded bar. It’s not like he had a really distinct face…sort of a non-descriptive Anglo-Saxon mutt. Unfortunately, with my really bright, short blonde hair that makes me resemble a light bulb, I am hard not to spot. He saw me and then….I saw him. Dark suit (I thought we were going casual?) and a very loud polka-dotted tie. I was in trouble already.
I was certain he had a few drinks already. He had a stupid grin on his face that meant I’d be running off soon. I had no idea how difficult a caper that would be.
Mr. Polka-Dotted Tie had a glass of wine ready for me. I needed it. He was loud and brash, nothing like the conservative Engineer I talked to on his phone. Maybe he sent his evil twin to meet me. After my glass of wine, he told me he had a surprise. I was hoping he’d tell me he had to leave. Hell, no! He had a table waiting for us.
I didn’t know at that time the fine art of saying “I’VE GOT TO GO”. I unwillingly sat down at a quaint table for two and he immediately ordered up a bottle of wine. I wanted to stick a straw in it and suck it down.
“Before we start dinner, I’d like to ask you to do something.” he said in a very serious tone that scared the hell out of me. “Please, button up your blouse as far to the top as you can. I don’t want to be distracted when conversing.”
I nearly spit up my glass of wine. My blouse was unbuttoned two buttons and showed nothing more than a few freckles. This wasn’t a cleavage night…especially not for a guy with an ugly tie.
I didn’t comply to his button-up request and totally ignored him. He did not seem to notice because he was too busy guzzling wine. We ordered food that I wasn’t hungry for and I listened to him babble on about how great he was for forty-five long minutes. I didn’t process any of it and nodded my head when needed.
“So,” he said at the end of dinner. “LET’S GO DANCING!!!!”
Oh that sounded like exactly what I was thinking…dancing. With the idiot in a polka dotted tie. I’d rather eat chocolate covered ants and chase them down with gasoline.
He didn’t seem to notice he was not engaging me with his babble. He proceeded to tell me that he’d recently been to a “rocking” Christmas party and gave all the “ladies” a lap dance. If I were special enough tonite, he give me one, too!! THIS was an ugly vision. A fairly blah looking guy with love-handles giving me a lap dance. My life totally sucked at that moment.
I excused myself to the bathroom. I do my best thinking in the ladies room. It’s sort of like Superman in the phone booth. When I returned I tried to act excited about our plans for dancing….but I had an exit strategy all conjured up.
Polka-Dot Lap Dance guy was thrilled to hear there was a dance club nearby. We walked the three blocks to the club and entered into the world of pounding techno music, 25 year olds and the smell of cheap alcohol.
He immediately grabbed two stools and the bar and said “Lucky you! These stools are the perfect height for a lap dance! Jump up!”
Thank goodness I am a quick thinker. I politely excused myself to the ladies room and told him to order up the drinks. When I walked into the bathroom I focused on two twenty-something bimbos who were going to be my front girls.
“I’ll give you twenty dollars if you’ll please go occupy my annoying date so I can leave,” I said to them with no shame.
They snatched the twenty dollar bill out of my hand and asked where he was sitting. How could they miss him. His tie was exactly what the clowns wear in the circus.
Off they went to flirt with disaster. I made a beeline for the front door, making sure I walked beside a very tall man so I could get out un-noticed. I’m not sure I have ever run that fast before but I made it to my car in record time and sped off to the comforts of my home.
An hour later….an HOUR…..I guess he noticed I was gone. My phone rang and I let it go to voice mail….
“Hey! Did you go out for some fesh air? Things are getting started here Come back so we can party all night!”
I still wonder, years later, if he gave anyone a lap dance.
Love this blog… hillarious post.
I am also a single momma… and gawd do the men run when I mention that… maybe makes it ok to blog about them, then.. ha.
Thanks for the laugh.. and I agree.. what a dork (L)!
Hey ya blondie, stoppin by to see what you are up to. started working and there is so little time to play… bah! humbug! this was fun. thanks!!!
Talk about red flags, babe. This guy was a total loser and clown! WOWWOWOWOW This blog tickled me. Love this line: “My life totally sucked at that moment.” I would have saved my 20 bucks and split. Loved this essay. ~K
I have had some pretty bad dates myself. I cry with you on this one.
[...] I posted my “LAP DANCE” story last week, I received several emails asking me to post more stories. Are you also [...]
That is such an awesome story! I love it, you paid them $20 to help you out. Talk about quick thinking.
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Apparently I’ve been neglecting you – I’m loving the new design!
I’m amazed you lasted that long on that date – I don’t think I would have lasted to the going to the club part…great that you were able to ditch him effectively!
Note to self: Beware of polka dot ties! 
I had a FIL crisis last night so it cut my VGNO partying short…so I’m making up for it stopping by this morning with some brunch!
Hope you had a fun VGNO night!
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Happy VGNO!
That is why I often look at my husband and panic because he might die before me.
too funny!
happy VGNO!
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ewhh.. I bet you have never liked polka dots since that night!!
Happy VGNO
Jan
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Well. I guess I’ll be getting rid of my polka dot ties, now.
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@TheDailyWit…can’t fool me. If you were polka dotted tie guy, you’d realize that you don’t have hair….lol………..good try though
Well, hello there. Yes, it’s me the Polka Dotted Tie guy. I see that you’re now writing about our date. That means you’ve not quit thinking about me. Can’t get me off your mind. I can understand that.
I even see that you’re writing bad things about me — a defense mechanism, I’m sure. Again, I understand. I do that to women. Not only are there numerous blog posts like yours about me, there are no less than 12 blogs dedicated solely to discussing dates with me.
I have that effect on women. It’s a natural charm I guess. A kind of, I don’t know, ambrosia that my hair, good looks, and voice all combine to create.
See you around, kiddo. Sorry you couldn’t handle my intensity.
By the way, those girls that you sent over were trannies. I discovered that later. Turns out my polka dot tie wasn’t the only thing sticking out where it shouldn’t be. Thanks a bunch.
This is a funny post. The bimbos probably would have taken 5 bucks.
You made the right choice! Man-o-man…some people…really?!
Happy VGNO!!
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I dont know what to say but funny! Happy VGNO
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OMGosh! That guy sounds SO creepy. Good thing you got away when you did. GREAT story! Happy VGNO!
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Happy VGNO — Hope you have a great weekend.
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@Sean: Great idea….I think I have enough stories to last a few Fridays!! I hope I don’t have to go back out and date JUST to get new ones though…
Thanks all for the fun comments……and experiences. It’s so different out there than it was years ago. I prefer to stay home and watch paint dry!
Ok Cheryl,
Here’s mine. I met this guy on the internet shortly after arriving in Georgia. He was in his 40′s, made six figures. I was a single mom of 2…thinking right on!
He showed up at my house with a dozen orange roses. Ok the gesture was awesome but bright orange? Ick.
Dinner was amazing. Went to a very expensive restaurant, conversation was fabulous. I’m thinking this is just to good to be true.
And it was…in the parking lot he kissed me. And that’s when it happened. He turned into a HUGE pair of lips with hands!
After I finally managed to get him to come up for air, we went to a club. He found the one bench in the middle of a swarm of people that was under a street light and well lit. And then it was like being with a horny teenager. All he wanted to do was make out…on a bench in a bar!
Helloooo! Needless to say I never went out with him again.
I do NOT miss dating!
Wow… just wow! Seriously, that’s an amazing story! I can’t imagine how you kept a straight face, let alone stayed as long as you did! And that fact that you paid two girls to distract him is just priceless!! LOL! Good times!
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I always say that one of the benefits of being married 30 years is that is 30 years I haven’t had to date! Thanks for reaffirming that view. A great post and a great laugh, as always. Thanks!
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OMG. I don’t know how youlasted that long. How does he win any women with the “lap dance” line. Who jumps up and screams “You’re the one for me!” with that?!?!??! YIKES> Thanks for the story! I loved it.
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….funny…it never occurred to me to offer you a lap dance…now I know why….:)…With stories like this its no wonder you stay at home.
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Cheryl, that was hilarious!
You poor thing. I’ve already decided that IF (heaven forbid) my marriage were to end, I’m more than happy to stay single and ALONE. Don’t get me wrong relationships are wonderful, but dang so much compromise! And I’ve been there, done that! heh heh
Now you’ve given me yet another great valid reason WHY to stay alone and single!
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OMG…. another great post!!I am at work and am laughing my butt off!! Too funny..think I dated his cousin somewhere along the way!!
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Ha Ha … That was really an interesting Date …
Ha! You should have a tab for dating calamities, maybe make it a regular feature: Friday Follies. Every Friday as we stand at the lip of a weekend, we get to hear another harrowing adventure of a mating mishap. Could be awesome, I’m just saying.
Ha! I got the gay guy. If that doens’t send your self-esteem into the bottom of the Marianas, nothing will. Also Mr. Bigot, who loudly proclaimed that the Mexican restaurant couldn’t possibly be any good because the people working there were all “too white”. I have never wanted so badly to be eaten by a chair.
I am seriously afraid to go back out there…this wasn’t the best one. I am thinking of making a extra “tab” at the top for dating mishaps.
OK, that was pretty funny! Thank God I was never like that during my dating years!
Ha! Hysterical – thanks for sharing. Gives ME some ideas for posts.
Oh – and since you’re thinking of getting back into dating – pick you up for dinner – oops, scratch that, forgot you don’t like dinner first dates – ehm, drinks and dancing, ok? I’m thinking nine-ish. (wink)
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