On Monday, November 10th I will once again be doped up, knocked out and sliced up. Sounds like I’m living the life of a gangster, doesn’t it? Sure feels like it. I am going in for round three of the endless quest to fix my knee which was battered up in an accident last year. I won’t go into details about the senseless guy who decided that adjusting his seat, talking on the phone and going 50 mph in a 20 mph zone while I was stopped at a red light. Did I call him senseless? That’s a little mild, but I don’t want to give him any more mention here. He’s in enough hot water as it is.
I have a collection of 14 knee braces, with varying degrees of “Star Trek-like” appeal. There are two 3.5″ screws from Home Depot in my tibia bone. I have crutches that I colored with Sharpies in my boredom. Oooh…wait…I have a walker, a bath seat and a more recent addition…a cane. An animal print cane, mind you. Very stylish if I must say so. What am I talking about??? I can’t wait to burn ALL of these things in a bon fire.
So, as I nervously count down the days (I hate needles), I thought I’d share a few of my favorite things about having surgery. I’m fortunate to have a very humorous knee surgeon who will undoubtedly ease my pain by on Monday by telling me I’m never going to run a marathon. Hey, as long as high heels are a possibility, I’m good. Plus he did a really great job of making a 7″ scar and a few other smaller ones look really hot. Why not add more. After all, I heard that it’s all about how you look, not how you feel (which is pretty shitty…but I’m not complaining).
Here are just ten of the reasons that I just can’t stop having surgery. It’s an addiction…like social media…only more painful. (people, I’m kidding….I’m just trying to lighten myself up here!)
1. I love getting up at 6:30 am to get ready and then realizing that I can’t eat or drink. It’s just cruel to expect someone to brush their teeth with “as little water as possible” Eeeew. Then the surgery is held off for 6 more hours because “as little as possible” was an entire bottle. Oops.
2. I enjoy leaving the house with no makeup, nail polish, perfume, jewelry…..and “comfortable loose fitting clothing”. I feel like I’m going to work at Wal Mart.
3. My favorite part is when they start the IV and they say “It’s just a pinch”. I want to lean over and grab a piece of their skin and pinch it really hard til they cry. Then maybe they’ll rethink things and say “This is going to hurt and there’s nothing you can do about it”
4. The “johnny” is another thing that I so look forward to. Who named it a “johnny”?? It’s an insult to anyone with that name. I’d call it indecent exposure. “Take all your clothes off and put this on for modesty”. Yes, I’m always feeling quite modest when I’m in a public place with my naked ass out in the open.
5. I love the surgical bonnet. It’s like a unisex shower cap. It goes so well with the foam slippers with the smiley faces. Someone who came up with hospital garb really had some fashion sense.
6. I do enjoy that you have to be fairly educated to have surgery. They roll you into the cold room and then ask you to count backwards from 10. I’ve only made it to 9 so far. I’d really like to get to negative 50 and still be awake. That would drive the anesthesia doctor NUTS.
7. One of the best parts of surgery is waking up. It’s like a movie. The nurses keep calling your name and you feel like you’re Dorothy spinning in the house high above Kansas. You open your eyes and everyone is smiling at you like you’ve just been captured by human eating aliens and they’re VERY hungry.
8. The morphine button isn’t so bad either. I’d like a little portable one to use when someone is pissing me off in line at the grocery store or in traffic. Then again, that might not be a good idea. God knows, I’m already full of sarcasm without morphine.
9. Bedpans rate right up there with having my ass in the wind in a johnny. Not only do they give you a bedpan that’s cold metal, the nurse usually tells you to relax and let her know when you’re done. Then they don’t come back for 20 minutes after you press the buzzer. Oh crap…I was pushing the morphine button instead…………
10. Truthfully, the only thing I really like about having surgery is the fact that I’m an insomniac…..and I get the best sleep of my life while under the knife.
Now that I’m getting to be a pro at this, I probably have about 20 more “favorite things” to list, but I’ll save that for another time. This Monday, when I’m fast asleep with drills, screws and scalpels attacking me, I have a special guest blogger to keep up with the insanity here at The Daily Blonde. I’m quite positive she is going to contribute a rocking guest blog that will keep you amused while I take a much needed nap!
Tags: Social Media
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I’ve been a Nursing Assistant most of my adult life. A few yeas ago one of my coherent patients asked me for a “johnny”. It’s a good thing that I knew her, or I would have thought she had dementia. I’d never heard of that term before. In the Rochester area everyone just calls it a gown, or hospital gown. She must have lived out of state for awhile. ;o) She had a good laugh at my confusion.
I hope that things go well for you! I will say a prayer.
good luck!
i just had a surgical procedure on my legs three weeks ago and i got to say your top ten is eerily similar to my own personal top ten.
here’s to an easy, quick recovery for you!
Good luck with your surgery. I am also having surgery, on November 26th… won’t get into details (it’s not elective, put it that way), but I want to re-read this post again the day before mine so I can yuk it up and laugh it off. Thanks!
Okay. Either you are pregnant, or that one day period thing from the other day spurred this? Hope Mr. Man, isn’t too scared of you?
My solution?
It’s called:
NeuroReplete. brain vitamins. Ask your Dr. for them.. Amino acids mainly, AWESOME.
Cheryl, I’m writing you in on my calendar to send you prayers on surgery day.
Cynthia
I love that you have a sense of humor about this. So very brave! Sending positive bloggy positive thoughts your way… hope you have a fast recovery!
Robin
cinnamon & honey
I love the IV remark. Is there a single nurse on the planet who actually knows how to insert an IV in one try? I don’t think there is.
What I love about surgery is what comes after that, the stay in the hospital and being attended like a queen with food brought to my bed as I watch tv about my head, nice! *laugh*
All the best girl!
ACL and meniscus surgery here- we may have matching pins! No fun. Hope it goes well. Bastard driver.
sorry your having such a rough time with this entire thing. I hope the surgery goes well and you dont have any more issues once it’s completed.
although i will say, that was a funny frigging list. sorry.
I think my lack of compassion for my husband is because I would give ANYTHING to be in a hospital bed and have people waiting on me- am I a bad person? Good luck- thank god you can blog from your blackberry!
oh! i hope all goes well and good luck…
Another outstanding blog post. I’m in stitches now… wait no I’m not but you will be!
Good luck on your latest surgery and drink a bottle of water for me!
You get a bed pan?
LUCKY.
I got catheters…..joy, joy, joy!
Good luck with your surgery, looking forward to reading more of your funny, funny posts!
Good luck!
Good luck!
You are like a sharpie goddess. I know where to turn next time I need something sharpiefied.
Good luck with the surgery. I’ll think good thoughts for you while you’re out.
LOLWROGAHS! Cheryl, you NEVER cease to amaze me with your wit. And what better way to prepare for the total utter yuckiness of surgery (been there done that got the T-shirt) than being able to laugh about it and share the sarcastic humor with your readers.
Tee hee. Still chuckling. Hey can we get a shot of your bare ass in the wind on a post-surgery post? The shots of the braces & crutches & x-rays – those are nice, but a hooty booty shot would be really – Hey – Ouch! What the – stop throwing things at me!!!
Glad to see you’re being positive about the whole thing Cheryl
Seriously though, good luck and I will be thinking of you and praying everything goes well! I am local so I can bring you liquor afterwards if it will help! 