Hummers, Dark Lip Liner and Coffee
So, here goes….as if you’re even remotely interested.
I truly dislike reading the Sunday paper when it’s out of order. I want to be the first to get to the paper and I don’t want to find SECTION A behind SECTION D. My mind is constantly working on high-speed. I don’t like to have to search for things…..and Sundays are meant for relaxing. So, leave my paper alone (or at least wait til I am done with it).
I don’t like coffee. Actually, I’ve never had it. I want to throw up when I’m in Starbucks or Dunkin‘ Donuts for more than 30 seconds. There’s nothing that makes me cringe more than the thought of slugging back a super hot cup of stuff that looks like nasty black water first thing in the morning. Maybe I was traumatized by my 5th grade teacher…she was a “close talker” and always smelled like stinky coffee when she spoke. She also looked like a shrunken apple head and I had nightmares about her. So, please, if you want to bring me a morning beverage, make it a bottle of water or a Pepsi.
I absolutely despise those cell phones with the direct connect (walkie talkie) feature. Who the hell needs to broadcast their cell phone conversation in a public place?? It’s bad enough I have to hear half of people’s lives in line at the grocery store—with the direct connect I get double the misery. Let’s not forget that morse code BEEP sound the phone makes each time you talk. Yeah, 10-4 good buddy…I don’t care that you are going to be late tonight or you hate your mother in law. It’s none of my business and I already don’t like you because you are obnoxious spilling your guts in public.
Staying with a cell-phone theme….let’s discuss my hate for the Blue Tooth. Who in the name of GOD thought to call it a tooth?? I don’t mind a kiss on the ear but I don’t want a tooth in there. That aside, it’s just looks really dopey. I can’t tell if the person is talking to me or talking to himself. He’s usually getting out of a car that’s on it’s last bald tire….sporting a $120 Blue Tooth and a $500 phone. That’s dammed impressive. Who are you talking to, dude? Possibly begging your mother for your mortgage money because you spent it all on your fancy Blue Tooth? Get rid of that ridiculous ear wax catcher. You can’t possibly think you look really successful because you can talk hands free. I can do that…I’ll throw my phone down on the seat of my car and yell.
What’s with people who can’t count to ten? It says “10 Items or LESS” doofus. That means you must go to a regular checkout if you have eleven items or MORE. Oh, I know, you’re busy and you need to get going…but I’m busy too even though I’m not wearing a Blue Tooth as an obnoxious accessory. So next time, go shopping when you have time, or just get ten items today and come back the another time for the other ten.
Dark lip liner. Yes, there are still women out there who think it’s 1984. I can’t decide whether I dislike it more than colossal gold hoop earrings with a woman’s name carved into them. (You know, the ones that match the name necklace and diamond encrusted name ring.) Lip liner that is darker than a woman’s lips is just plain eerie.
People who drive Hummers. If I must be a bit crass, I never thought a hummer was something you drove. At least that’s what I heard through the grapevine. Don’t these people feel stupid filling up at the tank…even at the new bargain price of $1.99 a gallon it’s got to be fairly expensive to fill up so you can get 2 miles down the road and need to fill your tank again? If I drove a Hummer, I’d get a big nose and glasses so no one would recognize me. The again, I’d never be obnoxious enough to drive one.
I really dislike CAPTCHA. No, it’s not an exotic food…it’s a messed up acronym that supposedly means Completely Automated Public Turing tell Computers and Humans Apart. Someone really got paid to think that bullcrap up? Have you ever gotten as annoyed by CAPTCHA like I have? Usually it is at one in the morning when I’m trying to sign up for some free, useless newsletter or maybe I have to send someone a quick email. Lo and behold, they require me to type some ridiculous string of letters in order to prove I’m human. I can’t see the stinking LETTERS in the box without putting my head inside the computer monitor, so can someone please get paid to think of a better way to prove I am human?? How about hooking me up to an EKG and transmitting my rapid heart beat over the internet before I have a coronary trying to figure out what letters I’m supposed to be reading. This is basically just a cruel eye test, far worse than the one I have to fake at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.
I hate that I can’t seem to talk to a human when I make a phone call to just about any company these days. I don’t even listen to the recorded message that tells me to “Press 1, then hit 2 and then press *** three times to reach the party you are looking for”. How do you know who I am looking for? I press zero right away. Sometimes I press it 2 or 3 times. Most of the time I get a recording that says “The person you have reached at ZERO is not available. Please dial #22 to leave a message”. UGH.
I’m going to get back to enjoying things I really like….time to go play with my children and then get ready for a night on the town with the handsome birthday guy.
“I’ll throw my phone down on the seat of my car and yell.” This made me die laughing!
Ah, the good old days when I talked to a human at a company on the phone. Now it’s a maze intended to weed out almost everyone.
Here I am trying to get motivated for my day and I just read this and now I can’t stop laughing!!! Oh how I wished we lived closer becuase woman you crack me up!!!
I’m with ya on the express lane checkout…It always pisses me off when I’m holding two items in my hand to pay and some dipshit in front of me has a cart full of crap!
Amen to the lipstick linear and capthca.
I made it all the way through that post..so I should win an award right there…wink, wink.
I hate the smell of starbucks too! Oh my heck.
And…did you just answer a meme and you didn’t even know it? Ms. blonde’s 7 most annoyings or something??
And… is that a picture of the guy? FINALLY?
SO we have bad knees and this list in common. However, I drank my first real cup of very doctored coffee this summer ( splenda and french vanilla ff creamer). I’ve learned to sissi-fy it enough to make it drinkable. I drink it once a week when I really need to poop. I know, TMI. I have issues in that department so I gave in and drank the sludge!
First of all, Comment Number 1 made me LOL and now I have to stalk her…
I love coffee. I like it with extra cream and extra sugar though…my husband would tell you that they is hardly any coffee in my coffee at all…
Captcha is from the devil.
You would love this book: http://www.lifeslittleannoyances.com/
I hate hearing people talk loudly on cells in public. So once I started talking loudly right beside them to my mom, who I was with at the time, about loud cell phone talkers. I got that idea from the book.
Another great one is to count out loud, Sesame Street style, at the overloaded number of “express” items.
CAPTCHAs and automated calls annoy me to no end too. But I do like coffee
I’m sitting here doing my impersonation of a bobble head doll…because i’m nodding like crazy. Boy is that the perfect list!! The whole blue tooth thing cracks me up…just how important do you have to be to WEAR a phone! Maybe they have delusions they are part cyborg. Great list wonderful post…Now if we could just get the whole world to listen to your genius!
wonderful post, your humor is one of the many reasons I follow you on twitter! I may have to steal your idea and do my own list on my blog!
I am also glad to find that you are a fellow non-coffee drinker!
Oh, I am so happy I discovered your blog. It’s so cathartic! I hate blue tooth too. But mainly because I can’t figure out how to use it. Sigh. Thanks for the good laughs!
Also, you’ve been tagged. Now you can write a post about how much you hate it when people tag you. I promise not to take it personally. And don’t forget to read the cat disclaimer. http://howtobeawoman.net/2008/11/29/women-and-men-like-to-play-tag/
I have to say first off, I LOVE COFFEE. I am addicted. But that’s me.
I feel the exact same way about the Hummer drivers. And most of them don’t ever drive them off pavement. What’s the purpose? I saw a van get rear-ended by a hummer once, cause a LOT of damage to the van where there shouldn’t have really been any. Seems more hazardous than safe.
1. my husband is like that. he hates if i touch his paper b4 he reads it, but thinks i shouldn’t get upset if he reads my magazines b4 i do.
2. i don’t either. i have had it when i was younger, but more cos i thought i was a grown up. my only form of caffeine is coca-cola. pepsi when that’s not available.
3. yeah, what’s that all about. if you’re on a job site o.k. but not just random places
4. blue tooth is the law here when driving in cali. i have one, but i haven’t used it in awhile. usually cos i forget to charge it. my son absolutely hates them lol
5. i hate when ppl bring cart full to those lines. bastards.
6. lmao @ names in the earrings. i do like the necklaces tho so don’t hurt me too much)
7. hummers are pretentious
8. i’m sometimes annoyed w captcha..husband is annoyed w it all the time
9. i hate that, too. get me to the right person right away. i’m not some damn show animal made to jump thru hoops.
enjoy your night
I’m one of those people that even puts it back together in the right order after I read it. I’m with you on the cell phones too.
I just found you through Marvin-and you are bookmarked! Wow–we have a lot in common:-)
Let’s keep this short…
Love coffee; love hummers; hate black lipstick and I absolutely despise those “robots” that answer the phone!
Cheers!
Boom
Reminds me of that Jerry Seinfeld routine about women who don’t know where their lips end
Fun blog, first visit, repeat offender comin’ up 
ah… there is the blond we know and love. I adore, adore, adore coffee. Not so much to drink actually, but the ritual of it and the way the beans smell, and I find it very comforting. mmmmmm
Cell phones. BLue tooth or hand held or whatever – okay with the blue tooth thing – I think it just appeals to everyone’s inner drive to think they are in the Secret Service or something… but stupid. I think cell phones are stupid. I think the fact that when I am out at a wedding and 1/2 of the people at my table are so inept socially that they can’t carry on a decent conversation so they all start typing away under the table and texting people that are not even there is the most pathetic and outrageous social commentary on Americans. HONESTLY PEOPLE.
You are such a funny lady!
But in defense of 10 items or less…lemme tell you something about that.
I am quite fastidious when it comes to the express lanes, if I think I’m over the limit, I don’t go there.
BUT, the last two or three times? A manager will insist I go through the express lane, even though I obviously have more. I always tell them, “but, I have more then 10 items.
“It’s okay, ma’am.”
So I sure hope that wasn’t you behind me THAT or THAT or THAT time!
hee hee
See? You just ruined it for me. We could never be Lovers. Oh never mind…I can’t apply that to you! Ha
How could you hate coffeee? I’m very much the same way with the smell of eggs in the morning. Blah!!!
Biggest pet peeve? Out with friends or a group and everyone is on their cell phone twittering, surfing web, or checking emails. HATE IT!
I wish you weren’t so far so that we could share morning coffee. Ha!
Enjoy the weekend!
*CHEERS!*
dark lip liner is the easiest way to spot a Mary Kay rep in a dark alley…..